btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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