I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
