Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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