just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
