The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
