well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
