Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
