Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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