Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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