We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
