I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize