like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
