i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
