Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
