Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
