When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
