I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
