Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
