Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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