Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
