Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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