She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
