I hate your face
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
