Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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