Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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