If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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