my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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