i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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