I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I don't deserve a penis
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
