I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize