my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
