I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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