she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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