I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize