its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
