alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize