You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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