My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize