Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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