Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
