Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
