It's like God shit irony all over that family
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
