Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
wow bdsm is so cute
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