Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Randomize
