My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Randomize