so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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