Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
