oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He better not be in your backpack
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
