I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
