i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
