No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
