I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
