Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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