my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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