Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
