The maid of honor just puked.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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