I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize