my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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