just come out here and I will go home with you...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
