i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Please don't give away my fajitas
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
