I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
