when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
