I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
