Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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